OPINION: The Emperor’s new Goop – an open letter to Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Gwyneth,

Since you have been so very open about selling candles inspired by your ‘lady-parts’, I feel ‘Ms Paltrow’ is far too formal.

Surely we can be on more intimate terms.

(‘This Smells Like Your Vagina’, retails at $75 and a roll-on perfume is also available).

You have just emerged triumphant from a rather messy ski accident trial against 76-year-old retired optometrist Terry Sanderson.

Fashion editors raved about your court-room outfit choices. Us mere mortals wondered more at your response, under cross examination, as how you felt you had been impacted by the 2016 crash:

The answer: “Well, we lost half a day of skiing.”

Quite. Must have been devastating.

Ah, how the 1% live.

Less flatteringly, perhaps, pundits called the legal drama your greatest performance yet. Ouch.

Gwyneth. Back in the days when I could see my toes and grey hair was something that happened to other people, I respected you.

This, I remember saying to myself, was someone with style. Panache.

Anyone who has consigned both Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck to her ‘previous boyfriends’ list is someone we should all raise a full Amethyst Bottle of kale smoothie to. Preferably using the Goop Onyx Stainless Steel Straws (pack of 4, $12).

The Paltrow film oeuvre is quite impressive.

Great Expectations. Sliding Doors. Emma. Seven. A whole heap of MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe – if you know, you know) Iron Man and Avengers films playing Pepper Potts. And The Politician, on Netflix, which was quite, quite brilliant. Bravo. And of course, Shakespeare in Love.

So here you are: an award-winning actress, more money than Croesus and a huge global platform.

How, then did it all turn to a steaming pile of Goop? Complete and utter Goop.

Dear, dearest Gwynnie.

Celebrity watchers observed with interest when you adopted your latest character incarnation: a self-styled lifestyle and wellness guru, in September 2008.

You launched Goop, initially as a weekly newsletter and ten years later, it had over 8 million subscribers.

Goop for you Gwynnie!

A quick glance at the site offers up an array of exorbitantly priced trifles.  Alas, rather disappointingly, none of the edible kind, because serious Hollywood players don’t do carbs and sugar.

Textured bracelets for $2,900. (Bargain. I ordered one for each wrist).

A classic (as in comedy?) triangle bikini top, so small that the marketing team surely confused it with a napkin. Probably the most expensive napkin I’d ever buy, at $150, but still. The matching ‘Hipster Classic Cut Bikini Bottoms’ must be the accompanying handkerchief to complete the set.

The site is clearly aimed at women with a certain lifestyle, bank account and aspirations. Alas, having lost the will for aspirations years ago, a bank account that has all the zeros on the wrong side of the decimal point and a lifestyle that is more catatonic than couture, I am not one of those women.

Yet all this I could forgive. Mostly due to the fact that you have Captain America on speed dial.

But what I can’t forgive is the absolute twollocks that you peddle under the guise of ‘well-being’ to those women.

Under the ‘Detox’ section I noticed a rather pretty plate. It seemed ironic to be selling an empty plate in a detox section, but perhaps I’m just being picky.

I won’t talk about the sex toys, primarily because my mother reads my posts, and I am rather fond of both my kneecaps.

And not for the first time, Gwynnie, you have come under scrutiny for your questionable eating habits using those $50 plates. Your average day has been known to begin with just a “large glass or two” of water.

Gulp. That’ll fill you up.

During a recent episode of Dear Media’s podcast,’The Art of Being Well with Dr. Will Cole‘, you shared your daily food plan with the world.

Celery juice with lemon or lemon water. Followed by exercise and sauna.

Lunch is often bone broth.

Dinner includes lots of vegetables, according to your preferred paleo plan. You’re often doing a detox, or “a nice intermittent fast“.

Gwyneth. Jogging can be ‘nice’ and ‘intermittent’. (So I’ve been told). Walking the dog can be ‘nice’ and ‘intermittent’. But fasting? What about Yom Kippur? Haven’t we suffered enough?

All of the above screams ‘disordered eating’. I know this because I have it. It’s about as much fun as a colonic with a hosepipe. And I’ve tried that too. (Walked like John Wayne for two days straight).

This, Gwyneth, is not someone who is eating ‘well’. This is someone who is literally starving their body. But what’s worse is that you are advocating it on a global platform.

Think of all the young impressionable kids who will access your content on various forms of social media. The Independent newspaper reported that your interview was re-posted on TikTok and had 1.9m views.

That’s a lot of influence.

That’s a lot of people seeing a successful, wealthy woman and thinking that if they eat like you do, they’ll have what you’ve got, and perhaps they’ll look like you do.

This is disordered eating under the guise of celebrity wellness. You are transmitting your startlingly dangerous brand to a generation of people already struggling with how they see themselves. And to their own detriment, they are buying into it.

I once read that celebrities are to the modern world what the Gods were to the ancient Greeks and Romans: on a pedestal. (Often literally). Worshipped. Their words and edicts adhered too, religiously.

Society has applied that same reverence to ordinary, albeit talented, men and women gifted an inexplicable aura of greatness, purely by virtue of them performing in front of a camera.

There is a reason that Goop rhymes with Poop. The wellness it advocates is toxic. It stinks. And it’s the Emperors New Clothes of fads.

Gwyneth. I’m not a nutritionist. I was devastated to discover that Terry’s Chocolate Orange did not qualify as one of my five a day.

So I’m not going to advocate what you should or should not be eating on a daily basis. Especially if it constitutes bone broth. That would be wrong and irresponsible.

Perhaps you should follow my lead.