Take the atonement quiz!

Yom Kippur is a serious time of repentance, but some require more forgiveness than others.

Are you a sweet jar of honey or a bad apple?

This quiz will decide, and hopefully you’ll have fun doing it…

1. Your cousin has invited you to break the fast at his house, but his wife is a terrible cook. Do you…?

A. Accept graciously. It’s the gesture that counts, and you can always stop for a bagel on the way home.

B. Accept, but only on the condition that you bring along a starter, main and dessert. “Just as a thank you.”

C. Ask if it’s being catered, and then decline when he says it’s not.
“I’ll be hungry.”

2. You are off to shul on Shabbat – but it’s raining. Do you…?

A. Walk to shul as usual. It’s only a bit of rain, and if nobody’s building
an ark, how bad can it be?

B. Go by car. If you park a block away, nobody need know.

C. Stay at home. God will understand.

3. When eating, how kosher are you?

A. Strictly kosher. You spend more time on the www.isitkosher.uk website than on Facebook.

B. You keep kosher at home, but eating non-kosher when out doesn’t count, does it?

C. You’ll eat anything. You would even eat a bacon sandwich (if you thought it might further your political career!).

4. You find yourself whistling Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries. Do you…?

A. Stop immediately and quickly change to something from Fiddler to cancel it out.

B. Carry on. One in the eye for the anti-Semitic composer to have his tune whistled by a Jew.

C. Keep whistling. It’s a great tune. How can you stay mad at him?

5. A distant friend’s father passed away and the shiva is tonight. Do you…?

A. Drop everything and go to the shiva. It is important to support people at their time of need.

B. Go to the shiva. You’ll get a cup of tea and a bridge roll, see some old friends and maybe get the chance to hand out a few business cards.

C. Stay home. The season finale of Game of Thrones is on.

6. You went to a function last night. Do you…?

A. Tell everyone: “It was lovely.” A simcha is about the people, not the money spent on it.

B. Tell everyone: “It was fabulous. No expense spared. The flower arrangements alone must’ve cost the earth and the hostess was wearing Oscar De La Renta.”

C. Tell everyone what a trauma they put you through. The music was too loud, the food was awful (and small portions) and they sat you next to your arch nemesis. They should have a meesa masheena.

7. A colleague gives you a great tip (200:1) on a horse running in the Ascot Gold Cup. Do you…?

A. Tell him you’re not a spieler, but pass on the tip to friends who like a flutter.

B. Put on a bet and buy him a small gift when the horse comes first.

C. Take the tip, tell no one and take a cruise on the winnings.

8. An older friend announces he is going to have a second barmitzvah. Do you…?

A. Congratulate him and ask where to send the pen set.

B. Marvel at his dedication, but say one was enough for you/your husband.

C. Laugh and ask if he is considering a second circumcision.

9. Your mother leaves a message on your answerphone. Do you …?

A. Listen to it twice as you love the sound of her voice, then call her straight back.

B. Listen to the message, then tell your children “remind me to call grandma later”.

C. Hear half the message, delete it and call a friend instead.

10. A cold caller says they are ringing about life insurance. Do you…?

A. Say: “Thank you, I have insurance, but always like to hear about alternative options.”

B. Tell them: “Thank you, but I’m Jewish. Most of my friends sell insurance, so I’m OK for cover.”

C. Tell them: “To paraphrase Woody Allen, if you’d ever spent a night with an insurance salesman, you’d know there are worse things in life than death. Goodbye.”

11. An invitation to a wedding arrives, but you are only invited to the ‘buffet and ball’. Do you…?

A. Understand completely. Weddings are costly things to make and it’s nice to be asked.

B. Feel a bit snubbed, but still go with a gift. It’s at Claridge’s after all.

C. Air your disgust via mutual friends and buy the newlyweds a tea towel.

12. Your rabbi asks if you will dress up as a lokshen pudding on the hottest day in July for the charity fun run. Do you…?

A. Embrace your inner noodle and start signing up sponsors.

B. Tell the rabbi you have claustrophobia, but will hand out water to the runners.

C. Say yes, then guilt your father-in-law to be the pudding and go to Spurs/Arsenal/Chelsea instead.

So what does the quiz say about you, if you answered……

Mostly As: Pat yourself on the back because you are a real mensch! An all-weather shul goer who is even warm to cold callers, it’s obvious why the rabbi chose you to be a pudding. Atone only if you feel the need, dahlink, otherwise gay ga zinta hate.

Mostly Bs: You appear to be suffering from tsetummelt (Yiddish for confusion). Mensch is so within your grasp, as you’re willing to cook rather than suffer someone else’s inedible food. But you’re a bit of a yachna and rather than miss out, you’ll muck in half-heartedly. Repentance is on your ‘to do’ list, but the good news is your mother still loves you, even though you don’t call her enough.

Mostly Cs: If you were a Catholic, you’d be spending the day in confessional. What kind of a person eats anything to advance their career? On second thoughts, don’t answer that. Putting Spurs before tzedakah and hunger before family is not how your parents raised you and, by the way, you owe them a visit. So on Yom Kippur, go straight to shul and donate your racetrack winnings  to the Kol Nidre appeal. And next time the rabbi neeeds a pudding, you know what to do.

• Cartoons and contributions by Paul Solomons and Brigit Grant