What the bloomin’ heck is going on? With showbiz reporter Mrs Frankowitz

Showbiz reporter Mrs Frankowitz gives her run down of the fortnight’s gossip

Only a quick one from me this week as I’m spreading myself ever so thin, stocking up the fridge and cleaning the house for long-lost relatives coming to stay from overseas.

Well, they said they were long-lost relatives in the email. Found it in my spam. Thank God, ‘cos I would have missed it otherwise. It’s so weird, I have never heard of any Smiths but if I can lend them the £2,233.87p they need for new Kenyan visas, then of course I will.

Oh, I am also busy rehearsing for a play. Yes, I have finally been recognised for my award-winning acting ability. Not just my good looks.

I am so chuffed and over the moon to have just come back from Poland. I’d never been before. What a lovely place, even though the language is bloody awful. Couldn’t understand a single flippin’ word. Why was I there? For showbiz reasons, of course!

Some of you may know that my adopted grand-daughter is the beautiful Jewish singer, Jessica Ware. Me and Hetty are always telling Jessica that we would like to visit one day.

When The X Factor Poland invited her to come and perform with Polish contestant, Artem, she bought us both tickets as a late Pesach gift. And he won! We had such a bloody ball and ate a load of Polish dumplings to celebrate. Kosher, o’ course.

Also – what the bloomin’ hell is going on with Trinny Woodall and that nightmare of a man Charles Saatchi?

It hasn’t even been a year since he made lovely Nigella Lawson cry over an alfresco cuppa coffee, now he’s doin’ it to Trinny too? Stop it Charles you conniving megalomaniac. Just stop it! See you next time.