How coronavirus has stolen my grief
Saying Kaddish with others gave Marc Shoffman a communal hug, but mourners have now lost this comfort because virtual minyans are not allowed
Marc Shoffman is a freelance journalist
Five months ago I became part of an exclusive synagogue grouping when my dad died suddenly from a heart condition after 15 years of battling Parkinson’s.
Our group doesn’t have badges but are represented by the jagged edges that have been left on our hearts.
We are mourners and as part of this club I have been trying my best to say Kaddish three times a day and lead services as the Jewish grieving process suggests.
My dad was in no way religious. He had no issues working on Saturdays and wasn’t too worried about the odd full English breakfast, so the idea of me going to synagogue in his memory regularly probably would have done little to make him look up from his bacon sandwich.
But as a rabbi once said to me after I stumbled through the Mourner’s Kaddish the first time on my own during Minchah, this isn’t just for him, it is for me.
It is the community rallying round to recognise my loss. The acknowledgment that a space has been left in my life and an opportunity to stop and take time to remember him as life continues around me.
It is a communal hug and a comfort blanket that has now been ripped away by the coronavirus.
The outbreak has rightly caused synagogues to shut, but at the same time that has held up the grieving process for me and many others. Life in lockdown limits the outlets for my grief.
There are plenty of happy reminders of Dad around my home. The memories of Seder night and other family gatherings, the photos of him, his scarf that I took from his old flat. But the routine of sharing my grief has gone. I was in for the long haul, committed to taking the stipulated 12 months after a parent’s death to say Kaddish as part of managing my own mourning process.
But Orthodox rules stipulate that Kaddish cannot be said unless you are in the presence of 10 men. This has to be done physically so there is no option of logging in to Skype, Zoom or Houseparty.
Even the Chief Rabbi can’t say Kaddish for his father who passed away last year.
He has been learning three times a day instead and this has been offered as an alternative for the rest of the community.
This is seen as good for the soul of the departed and provides spiritual nourishment, but where is the support for me?
Other denominations are offering alternative approaches. I could log into a Reform synagogue livestream but that is not my community. It would be like me going to have dinner with someone else’s wife because mine is in isolation or social distancing.
There are none of the recognisable faces that I see and share my grief with on a daily or weekly basis. Learning Mishna can’t replace the nod from community members who know you have forgotten whether you are supposed to be reciting the Mourner’s or Rabbi’s Kaddish. It can’t replace the various pronunciation and tunes each individual brings to their oration. It can’t replace the uplift as the community responds in unison to your prayer.
There has been recognition of the unprecedented times we are living in by the London Beth Din when it comes to kashrut rules for Pesach. There is an opportunity for the United Synagogue to follow this precedent and relax its rules to allow a minyan to be formed virtually. This would help people like me recite these important and comforting prayers.
I am, in some ways, lucky that my dad died before the coronavirus struck. My brother, sister and I were able to attend his funeral.
He is at peace and hopefully his soul is elevating, but burying someone is just the start. You need to be able to grieve for them too.
READ MORE:
- Technology is the one thing my mother avoided in life… and the one thing that saved our situation
- OPINION: Just a phone call at this time can make all the difference
Thank you for helping to make Jewish News the leading source of news and opinion for the UK Jewish community. Today we're asking for your invaluable help to continue putting our community first in everything we do.
For as little as £5 a month you can help sustain the vital work we do in celebrating and standing up for Jewish life in Britain.
Jewish News holds our community together and keeps us connected. Like a synagogue, it’s where people turn to feel part of something bigger. It also proudly shows the rest of Britain the vibrancy and rich culture of modern Jewish life.
You can make a quick and easy one-off or monthly contribution of £5, £10, £20 or any other sum you’re comfortable with.
100% of your donation will help us continue celebrating our community, in all its dynamic diversity...
Engaging
Being a community platform means so much more than producing a newspaper and website. One of our proudest roles is media partnering with our invaluable charities to amplify the outstanding work they do to help us all.
Celebrating
There’s no shortage of oys in the world but Jewish News takes every opportunity to celebrate the joys too, through projects like Night of Heroes, 40 Under 40 and other compelling countdowns that make the community kvell with pride.
Pioneering
In the first collaboration between media outlets from different faiths, Jewish News worked with British Muslim TV and Church Times to produce a list of young activists leading the way on interfaith understanding.
Campaigning
Royal Mail issued a stamp honouring Holocaust hero Sir Nicholas Winton after a Jewish News campaign attracted more than 100,000 backers. Jewish Newsalso produces special editions of the paper highlighting pressing issues including mental health and Holocaust remembrance.
Easy access
In an age when news is readily accessible, Jewish News provides high-quality content free online and offline, removing any financial barriers to connecting people.
Voice of our community to wider society
The Jewish News team regularly appears on TV, radio and on the pages of the national press to comment on stories about the Jewish community. Easy access to the paper on the streets of London also means Jewish News provides an invaluable window into the community for the country at large.
We hope you agree all this is worth preserving.
