JACKIE MASON: So, when was the last time you saw a Jew order turkey?
World-famous comedian shares his thoughts on the Covid crisis and his delight – or rather his disdain – for the seasonal Thanksgiving dish
So, as I’m writing this, Biden has apparently won the election (maaaayybe), but one thing I’m sure about is that Covid is driving Jews crazy. First they start with don’t wear a mask, then they say wear the mask (when they said don’t wear the mask they were worried there wouldn’t be enough masks for doctors).
Wear the mask outside, but don’t wear the mask inside, unless you’re in a tight spot with 10 people, then you should wear the mask, but only within six feet. If it’s 12 feet, you don’t have to wear the mask, and suddenly everyone is a carpenter walking around with a tape measure.
You even have to wear the mask in your own house, but you can take it off when you’re ready to start eating. See, but if Jews are not in the middle of eating, they are always looking for something to eat, or are about to eat, so they end up wearing masks less than anybody.
But, watch out, I heard reports of Jews being so hungry that they end up eating the masks too. Now that’s an idea, a line of edible masks, or even better, a mask that you can keep on while eating.
Maybe a small slit in the mask, or a window. This idea is worth billions. Billions, I tell you. One second, I have to go call my patent lawyer.
Eating, the only real subject a Jew could focus his attention on, and that brings me to, you got it, restaurants. So you walk into the restaurant, and first they take your temperature. I usually start rolling up my sleeve expecting them to take my blood pressure too, but no, this time there’s just a thermometer.
Thank God they have the electronic ones that they point at your forehead, and don’t put it in your mouth or, God forbid, anywhere else. Then you walk in, and you’re wearing the mask while walking for 10 seconds while you get to your seat.
Then you take off the mask when you sit down. So the virus only gets transmitted when you’re walking but not sitting. You see how the whole thing doesn’t make any sense. And they are just making Jews go meshugah.
I personally believe it’s a conspiracy to prevent Jews from ever leaving the house so that they can’t make a living.
With all that said, what do we have to look forward to but Thanksgiving? This year will probably be easier than most years because they want you to stay away from anybody other than immediate family.
Be honest, most people don’t want to be with their extended family anyway, so Covid is a blessing in disguise for them. That is, of course, if you’re not quarantined with them. In that case, I’ll just say good luck to you.
In every family, there’s always an aunt or uncle that nobody can stand and everyone dreads seeing them.
They are always complaining; this dish is too salty, or not salty enough. Last time she ate her sister-in-law’s cooking she was sick for three days.
Be honest, most people don’t want to be with their extended family anyway, so Covid is a blessing in disguise for them
Then you always have an uncle who doesn’t make as much as the host. So Covid has its perks, you know?
But really, aside from the family members whom you don’t really want to see, there is the issue of turkey. One of the great questions is who in their right mind wants to eat turkey?
It is the driest piece of meat that a person can find. It sticks in your throat, and it’s a nightmare to swallow. It sticks to the roof of your mouth, or what fancy people call the palate. Did you notice nobody ever eats plain turkey?
When’s the last time you saw someone order just plain turkey? If you had to eat white turkey meat just plain it would take until next Thanksgiving to chew it and swallow it. In America, a person’s entitled to a last meal before the death penalty.
Did you notice how nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever ordered turkey? Why do you think everyone’s always looking to add gravy, coleslaw, Russian dressing, mayonnaise, etc.
One of the great questions is who in their right mind wants to eat turkey? It is the driest piece of meat that a person can find. It sticks in your throat, and it’s a nightmare to swallow
The only good thing about Thanksgiving are the side dishes – sweet potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, carrot tzimmes and pumpkin pie.
When have you ever seen anyone eat turkey alone? Anything, anything but plain turkey, yech. Even the name turkey has a negative connotation, when someone does a bad job, they say the person is a real turkey.
They tell you turkey is healthy and not fattening, but by the time they eat it with all the other chazzerai, it’s 5,000 calories and you’ve gained three pounds.
And what’s the one thing sitting there after the whole Thanksgiving meal is done? You got it, the turkey on the big silver tray in the middle of the table.
And who invented turkey anyway for Thanksgiving? The Pilgrims, right? In the Congress, they’re always doing referendums on every subject known to man.
Why don’t they have a referendum on whether turkey should be replaced by pastrami, corned beef, and brisket?
Anyway, all this talk of turkey makes me think of the biggest turkey of them all; you guessed right, Joe Biden.
www.jackiemason.com to comment or see him on the Cameo App.
Thank you for helping to make Jewish News the leading source of news and opinion for the UK Jewish community. Today we're asking for your invaluable help to continue putting our community first in everything we do.
For as little as £5 a month you can help sustain the vital work we do in celebrating and standing up for Jewish life in Britain.
Jewish News holds our community together and keeps us connected. Like a synagogue, it’s where people turn to feel part of something bigger. It also proudly shows the rest of Britain the vibrancy and rich culture of modern Jewish life.
You can make a quick and easy one-off or monthly contribution of £5, £10, £20 or any other sum you’re comfortable with.
100% of your donation will help us continue celebrating our community, in all its dynamic diversity...
Engaging
Being a community platform means so much more than producing a newspaper and website. One of our proudest roles is media partnering with our invaluable charities to amplify the outstanding work they do to help us all.
Celebrating
There’s no shortage of oys in the world but Jewish News takes every opportunity to celebrate the joys too, through projects like Night of Heroes, 40 Under 40 and other compelling countdowns that make the community kvell with pride.
Pioneering
In the first collaboration between media outlets from different faiths, Jewish News worked with British Muslim TV and Church Times to produce a list of young activists leading the way on interfaith understanding.
Campaigning
Royal Mail issued a stamp honouring Holocaust hero Sir Nicholas Winton after a Jewish News campaign attracted more than 100,000 backers. Jewish Newsalso produces special editions of the paper highlighting pressing issues including mental health and Holocaust remembrance.
Easy access
In an age when news is readily accessible, Jewish News provides high-quality content free online and offline, removing any financial barriers to connecting people.
Voice of our community to wider society
The Jewish News team regularly appears on TV, radio and on the pages of the national press to comment on stories about the Jewish community. Easy access to the paper on the streets of London also means Jewish News provides an invaluable window into the community for the country at large.
We hope you agree all this is worth preserving.
