Jackie Mason’s Pesach sermon: ‘Trump the second time will be like a new Pharaoh’

So it’s been a year already since we began this series of articles for Jewish News. We’ve got through the whole cycle of Jewish holidays, and we even threw Thanksgiving in there. Why is this night so different?

Well, first thing, we don’t have Donald Trump to kick around. Trump is as much in the past as Passover (for now). You know, they say, time heals all wounds. Well, this country has got a pretty open wound. We will not talk about what happened on 6 January because, well, it makes me nauseous.

What I will tell you is: if the Jews could get through the desert, anything could happen, even Trump getting elected  a second time.

There is good news and there is bad news, after Trump’s public reappearance at the Conservative Political Action Conference convention.

The good news is that he was able to make a succinct, rational speech. Yes, an hour and a half is succinct in my book. The bad news for the rest of the world is it seems like he can actually win again. It’s like right before Passover, the plague of the first born, and the Democrats are putting goat’s blood on their doors. Because Trump the second time will be like the new Pharaoh, bigger and better if you could believe it.

The Democrats, and many Republicans, still have time to worry about it.

Moses didn’t seem like such a bully, but then again he had God on his side.

The truth is the Jewish people have a lot to be grateful to him, and owe him at the least, a little bit of respect.

Trump reinitiated regional unity in the Middle East. The region really rallied around his long-reaching vision. Whether it’s the move of the embassy to Jerusalem, a campaign promise to which every president for decades has given lip service, and which Trump followed through with, to his leadership in getting many of the Gulf States to the side of peace with his Abraham Accords. 

Let’s hope Biden doesn’t muck it up, and not even remember he mucked it up. The fact he wants to get back in the Iran nuclear deal is enough to make anyone scream Dayenu! 

Well, I guess we’ll just see how this all plays out. Meanwhile, we’re on the second year with the plague. We’re still basically on lockdown, and going to have a second seder on Zoom.

We can say we’re two-thirds of the way through. Who decided on that timeline, I don’t know, but it sounds about right, almost scientific. We probably have a couple more plagues before we’re through this latest round. Now they want to call it endemic. Whatever, they want to call it, it appears to be hanging around for a while.

Let’s hope Biden doesn’t muck it up, and not even remember he mucked it up. The fact he wants to get back in the Iran nuclear deal is enough to make anyone scream Dayenu!

We do have to be grateful for the vaccines and, back to our favourite topic, even though a lot of the country hates him, Trump, with his warts and all, deserves credit for pushing these vaccines through.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, could have gotten through the Food and Drug Administration like he did. You have to be a bit of a bully to deal with these people, and he was, and is, a bully. Sometimes it’s a good thing.

Moses didn’t seem like such a bully, but then again he had God on his side. 

Well, that’s enough for now. It’s hard to keep talking without expecting a pay cheque, but in the holiday spirit I hope everyone has a pleasant time and doesn’t eat too much matzah. Hopefully the vaccines work like they did in Israel, and I pray we don’t have to go to the doctor every three months for a booster shot. If we do, my age has one perk, I’ll be heading right to the front of the line. I already have my sleeve rolled up. I can see you admiring my biceps. 

It’s funny, I’m still in shape, and the heaviest thing I pick up is a coffee cup. It must be my good genes going all the way back to lifting up those heavy stones in Egypt. All that back-breaking work has done wonders for my back.

Happy Passover!