Ken Livingstone’s Pesach message, as imagined by Jewish News

My very good friends at the Jewish News have asked me to deliver a short message to you at this special time of Passover.

The Passover Seder is a little bit like a Labour Party NCC Inquiry. It goes on for ages, there are many questions and a lot of what you’re fed is hard to swallow. At the end, the door is left open and everyone goes away feeling a little uncomfortable.

The story of Passover tells us about a man who caused a sea of red to divide, leading his people into the wilderness. No, not Jeremy Corbyn, but Moses.

Moses may not have been a mad, genocidal dictator, but he was a Zionist.

You might think of him as the original shop-steward, demanding workers’ rights and ultimately calling everybody out.

But what of the management? Was Pharaoh really the despot he is often said to have been? I know it was common in those days to refer to anyone in authority as a “jumped up little Pharaoh”, but isn’t his reputation simply the result of spin by the Tory Biblical press.

After telling Moses that “The Pharaoh’s not for turning”, he made a U turn worthy of Philip Hammond after the last Tory budget. And all because of a few so-called plagues.

I mean, take frogs. What’s the problem? Anyone who knows me will tell you I love amphibians. The more frogs the better. They’re very bright creatures. A load of frogs wouldn’t have voted to leave the EU, I can tell you.

And what about the plague of darkness? Three days? Call that a plague? Britain spent much of the early 1970s in darkness thanks to the National Union of Mineworkers’ industrial action leading to the three day week. And we were glad of it.

Boils? Vermin? Disease? Slaying of the first born? Just examples of bad administration. If that had happened in London when I was mayor, you bet I wouldn’t have been elected to a second term. But it didn’t and I was.

As for turning the River Nile red – that isn’t a plague. I’d say it’s a start – right comrades?

So, history shows us that Moses was a socialist and Pharaoh was a big girl’s blouse. Getting 3 million people out of bondage in Ancient Egypt was easier than getting a single anti-Semite kicked out of the Labour Party today.

There you have it. I’m sorry if you are upset by anything I’ve said, but I didn’t even mention Hitler once!

Happy Passover.