Making sense of the Sedra: Behar-Bechukotai
Discipline is a sign of love
“So you call that God of yours merciful?” he asks me, exasperated.
In front of me is a classroom of 17-year-old students. They are a fantastic and challenging bunch. One student in particular loves a good debate, hence his question, called out in outrage. I give him an answer that is fitting for the setting. He seems satisfied. But as I leave, I find myself wishing I had had more time to tell him about the Jewish view on being a merciful parent and how our God, our Father (Avinu Malkeinu) practices what He ‘preaches’.
As a child, not getting what you want can be infuriating. King David teaches us, however, that as a parent, setting boundaries is part of your responsibility. The Midrash Raba in Shemot (1:1) shares a new insight into the story of David and his son Avshalom. The Midrash tries to understand Avshalom’s life choices – he had plotted to kill his father and left a trail of destruction in the latter part of King David’s reign. The Midrash explains that a lack of rebuke, of direction from his father King David, was the source of Avshalom’s fate. Not rebuke for the sake of it, not an expression of anger, but as a means of providing structure and direction, an expression of love.
The contemporary founder of the well-known Gentle Parenting movement, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, says: “The top myth surrounding gentle parenting is that those who follow it don’t discipline their children,” she says, going on to explain that discipline is a way to teach a child “more appropriate and socially acceptable behaviours”.
It is a painful topic: discipline has connotations of hell and damnation. This is a misconception of religion too. Looking at this week’s sedra, Behar-Bechukotai, however, the question becomes even more pressing: why does God seem to threaten us with torture if we don’t follow His ways? What type of parent is God trying to be?
The punishments described in Bechukotai give light to the cause-and-effect mechanism that God implemented in this world with the Torah. Perhaps it’s similar to a parent reminding a child they will be grounded if they come home after curfew. It may look harsh, but this is the structure that a parent provides, with good reason. Judaism teaches us that a good parent is a parent who knows their child and knows when to provide that necessary structure.
God, in His infinite wisdom, designed the Torah and the cause-and-effect mechanism within it, as a means of providing us, His children, with structure. I like to tap into the higher wisdom, the adult self, of knowing that my understanding is limited and that this system is indeed a sign of love. As cliché as that may sound, the Torah is proving to be ahead of its time. The myth that the gentle parenting movement is trying to bust is the other side of the coin that Judaism struggles with. Yes, parenting may seem cruel from the child’s perspective, however as adults we understand that a ‘no’ can be the sign of a merciful and kind parent. With that in mind, I answer a sincere “yes” to the student’s question. Yes, that “God of mine” is merciful in my eyes, indeed.
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