OPINION: Mooning over the cult of perfectionism

I was recently asked to give a lunchtime learning session to a group of teenagers at one of London’s most prestigious private schools. Knowing that most would be coming for the sushi and not the source sheets, I nevertheless decided to share a teaching from the Torah that I felt would resonate, in the hope of providing some profound meaning together with providing some decent tuna maki.

The response I received was overwhelmingly positive, and proved to me just how much we need to talk to our adolescents (and ourselves) about how to deal with the pox of perfectionism that is rife in their classrooms and online platforms. I taught them the lesson of the Moon.

It’s a lesson that emanates from this week’s parsha, Bo, where the Jewish people receive their first mitzvah, and it is not an intuitive one. The first commandment was that of Rosh Chodesh: “HaChodesh Hazeh Lachem Rosh Chodashim” – This month shall be for you the Head of all the Months.”(Exodus Ch 12, verse 1 )

More specifically, the mitzvah was to have a way of measuring time structured upon the lunar orbit of earth. Instead of a calendar based on the sun, the moon was now to become our indicator of when a new month would begin and end.

This mitzvah would seem to be, at first glance, something of an anticlimax. Yet, in the land of Egypt, where the Sun itself was worshipped, this commandment goes far beyond the necessity to track time. By having a calendar based on the moon, Hashem was telling us that the default position for experiencing life was not the perfectly constant golden sun, but, rather, the ever-changing lunar signal in the sky that waxes and grows to full completion before waning to near invisibility, and then repeats this process on a monthly basis for all time.

The message of the moon is that life’s ups and downs, highs and lows, are not a sign of instability but rather, a normal experience. As much as this might seem obvious, the reality is that the consistent desire to achieve perfection has caused us to see the dynamic swings of life as a sign of negativity causing untold anxiety and low self-esteem among those who might be going through difficult times in life.

According to psychologists, perfectionism can blind us to our achievements while enforcing impeccable and often impossible standards upon ourselves. Trying (and failing) to meet these expectations can be destructive and perfectionism can make one vulnerable to anxiety, depression and severe mental health disorders.

By contrast, our first mitzvah broadcasts to the world that we do not believe in unchanging perfectionism as an ideal.

Rather, we prefer to focus on harmony; balancing out the stressful and challenging days with the knowledge and hope that for every low there is a high. Similarly, we are invited to remind ourselves, in our moments of success and achievement, that there is no space for arrogance or haughtiness since the vulnerability of life will ensure we never stay on this pedestal forever. This applies not only to our individual lives but to our national identity as a whole.

This Shabbat, communities throughout the country will be joining together for JAMI’s Mental Health Awareness Shabbat. Against the backdrop of a period of time that has appeared so dark and distressing over the past three months, this message of the moon is a beacon of light and hope for us all. It reminds us that whatever struggles we may be having, whether on a personal or communal level, we always have the waxing moon in the sky to remind us that the darkness is not permanent.

As expected, the sushi went down very well at the school, and as I left the building, the sixth former who had organised the event called after me to say just how much the boys had appreciated this message of embracing the vicissitudes of life as a perfect antidote to its’ stresses and strains. So try it. Take a look up at the moon and practice saying: “this too shall pass. We will see better days.”

• Rabbi Dov Cowan is the creator of Soul Fitness Meditations and a Rabbi and senior lecturer at the JLE. To find out more, click here.

Click here for details on JAMI’s Mental Health Shabbat this weekend.