What the bloomin’ heck is going on? Mrs F on Tori Spelling and Joan Collins

"Oy vey, Tori, I’d sit this one out if I were you, love." — “Oy vey, Tori, I’d sit this one out if I were you, love.”

By our showbiz reporter, Mrs Frankowitz

Hope everyone had a lovely seder.

These days, in my house , it is usually me who has to find the afikoman owing to the fact I can get into the tiniest of hiding places.

Unlike my youngest grandson, whose fetish for late night kebabs has led to a gravity issue.

Anyway, to Hollywood we go…

I sometimes wonder if Hollywood gantseh macher Aaron Spelling ever should have learnt the word “nepotism”.

Perhaps he should’ve learnt another one instead, like, for example, “your daughter can’t act, so why are you putting her on telly every flippin’ second?”

Spellin’ been putting daughter Tori in things on telly ever since she was a grasshopper, and it’s sad ‘cos she’s not been called “pretty” or “good” or “talented” once in the papers. Or by Hetty.

Now she’s 40 and starring in another trashy new show called Tru Tori, on Lifetime, a reality series about her life (who cares?) in which her husband Dean McDermott (who I cannot say sounds very Jewish) confesses to cheating on her in the very first episode.

Oy vey, Tori, I’d sit this one out if I were you, love. Ring ring – hello can I speak to damage control please? Not in? Ahhh, never mind.

Everyone went a bit loopy about Joan Collins, 100, stepping out the house with her sister Jackie, 76, last week. I’ve never liked either of them much myself. If I had to choose a favourite it would probably be Jackie because of the saucy books.

Hetty hates Joan because she wrote her a letter asking what it feels like to be 100 and never got a reply.

Sometimes I think back to those halcyon days when Blossom was on telly, and I smile because my husband Sid used to really fancy her. Inappropriate really, because she was only 11. I have started stalking Mayim Bialik, who played her in the ‘90s, on Instagram.

It’s a new app for photographs my great-great grandson’s been banging on about and it is keeping me amused for hours.

Especially the endless selfish pics of Luiza Zissman – who is a walkin’ flippin’ banner these days. Get a life I say. Hetty hates her.

Countdown to Chanukah starts now!

Ach and vey!