God couldn’t be everywhere, so he created mothers
Mums and daughters have a special bond but no two relationships are the same
Louisa Walters is Features Editor at the Jewish News and specialises in food and travel writing
If you watched BBC1’s Amandaland you’ll be all too aware of the fractious relationship between Amanda (Lucy Punch) and her mum Felicity (Joanna Lumley). Constant sparring, much getting on nerves, but deep down a sneaking admiration, shared values and an unbreakable bond. As is so often the case in a mother-daughter relationship.
My relationship with my mum, Sandra, whom I sadly lost in 2010, was entirely uncomplicated. I always felt – and still do – that she was the perfect mother. Despite being like her in so many ways, I have not been able to fully replicate her total selflessness, constant stoicism, and unerring ability to always see the good in everyone. But when it comes to mothering, I have always endeavoured to emulate her methods. When my daughter was born, she wrote me a card that said “be generous to her”. It took a long time to understand why she said this regarding my daughter and not my son. The simple truth is that girls demand more from their mum. They are more complex, more emotionally needy and require more careful handling. Do it right and the rewards can be huge.
Best friends
Jemma, 34, who lives in Finchley, was a hellish teenager who “really put my mum through the mill”. Now she has four children under five and she and mum Sheryl are “actual best friends and I couldn’t survive without her.” The closeness was deepened further when Jemma’s father died three years ago and soon after the family moved in with Sheryl while their house was being built. “Mum is very special, devoted to caring for everyone around her. She is living a whole new unexpected life that involves dating and I’m very happy we are so close and open with each other so I can support her with that,” says Jemma. “We belly laugh together, we cry together, we are each other’s therapist whilst also genuinely loving spending time together. She was and is a very present and involved mum and I take that into my motherhood journey.”
Sheryl, 60, says:” Jemma is my best friend and our relationship means the world to me. I really do not know how I would have dealt with my new way of life without her.”
Missing mum
Charlotte, 28, lost her mum Michelle two years ago. She lives in Hendon with her husband and their two children aged 19 months and five months. “Mum was my best friend. We did everything together and I wanted to be with her 24/7 as she made me so happy. My mum was so wise and I confided in her about everything. She always gave the best advice. People say our mannerisms are the same as well as our laugh. She had the most amazing ability to make everyone feel special and her heart was full of love for everyone, although it was annoying how she was always right about everything! It’s very hard to accept that my children will never know how wonderful she was and heartbreaking not to see her share her magic with them. Last Mother’s Day was the first one without her and I remember feeling so empty. Now that I have my own children, Mother’s Day is bittersweet. It highlights the fact that I don’t have a mum but it also makes me feel blessed to have my own wonderful family.”
Taking care
Karen, 60, lives with her mum Sonia, 95 in Radlett. “We share a special bond and are extremely close. We talk about everything and I never realised how strong and tough she was until I moved back to live with her nearly nine years ago. I love to hear about all the old stories when she was growing up. She always samples my soups and cooking, especially when I bake for Pesach. She sits on the sofa and tells me when something doesn’t taste right and what to do to make it improve. We have shared many holidays together and special nights out to the theatre, Mother’s Day teas and meals out to her favourite restaurants.”
Sonia says: We get on very well together. Karen looks after me so well and long may it continue but I hope she doesn’t find it too hard.”
Long-distance love
“We are very different although I have always aspired to be more like my mum,” says Olga, 52, who was born in Ukraine. ”She is very beautiful, glamorous, stylish and elegant, and her hair, nails and makeup always look immaculate. Mum is a very special person and she has many friends of all ages, even youngsters. She is a fantastic storyteller and can make any topic sound fascinating. She is very intelligent and well-educated, has almost encyclopaedic knowledge of literature, art, classical music and history.”
Olga came to England in 1996 to study and met her husband. Her mum Larisa, 78, still lives in Ukraine. “There is not one day that I haven’t spoken to my mum. She is my best friend, my confidant and my biggest supporter. We can talk and laugh for hours about anything and everything. She is my absolute idol and role model but I do get annoyed when she lets people take advantage of her kind nature.”
Larisa says: “I find it hard to understand my friends who often struggle in their relationships with their adult daughters – we have never had such issues. Maybe it’s because I have always seen her as an individual, or maybe it’s because we love and understand each other so deeply. From the joy of her first words and amusing thoughts, to the pleasure of communicating with my intelligent, beloved adult daughter, who is also my best friend, being a mother has enriched my life.”
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