OPINION: Starting secondary school: the good, the bad and the truly ugly
The tribal nature of the friendship groups, the fight for positions of King and Queen Bee - here are the tips to tell your children before they get there, writes the former head of mental health at JFS
In 2 weeks time my youngest son will start secondary school. The final one of my 3 boys to embark on what we know can at times be a tumultuous ride.
The Year 7 WhatsApp / Snapchat groups have been in full force for months already and after a quick glance, some highlights include: “I will definitely be in the most popular group, not sure if my primary school friends will”; “Oh we will be dropping him in September” and other such delights!
It’s true to say that secondary school for all its positives can, for some, be absolutely brutal.
Having worked in a huge secondary school for the past 6 years looking after the students’ mental health, I’m fairly certain I have seen it all – the good, the bad and the truly ugly. And it starts as soon as they set foot through the door.
The tribal nature of the friendship groups, the fight for positions of King and Queen Bee (often a fascinating watch when all the former primary school Kings and Queens are placed together in one playground), the tears as primary school friends don’t all go the same way and don’t even get me started on the social media side and Friday afternoon arrangements.
So here’s what I’d love you to tell your children before they get there. From someone who has seen it all from the inside:
1. This is an amazing time to decide who you are and for you to choose your people. In primary school there wasn’t really a lot of choice. At secondary school, you get to decide who you give your time to and that is a great and powerful thing. Choose wisely.
2. The most popular group may not be where you want to be. Getting in is very hard, staying in is much harder. It will likely soon become toxic and it probably won’t make you happy.
3. It may take some time to find your friends, so don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t happen straight away. Keep going, push yourself to go to things where you will find people who you have things in common with. Your friend group will likely change over and over in year 7 and that’s ok. Give everyone a chance and when you find the ones who make you feel happy and safe, stick with them.
4. You might go to secondary school with all your best friends, but the group might not stay the same. This is ok too. It doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends or that you won’t end up coming back together down the line. Trust the process.
5. There WILL be drama. It’s very tempting to get involved but do your best to stay away from it. Be kind and treat people the way you want to be treated.
I also want you to tell them how quickly it all goes and to make the most of all of the opportunities school has – academically and socially. Encourage them to try out for the teams, to play the instruments, audition for the shows, volunteer for the extra responsibilities and broaden their horizons.
Secondary school is life changing and is so much more than what goes on in lessons. They will be different humans in 5 or 7 years time when they leave but the sort of human they have become by then is in their own hands.
- Nicki Cohen is the former Head of Mental Health at JFS and is now an independent counsellor, supervisor and mental health consultant. Click here to find out more.
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