Voice of the Jewish News: Here is the news, before it happens

It’s that time of year again when we get to make predictions about the year to come, forget them, then remember them if they come true.

The good news is that, for Jews, 5777 will almost certainly involve disappointment, disbelief, disenchantment and disgust, so there’ll be plenty to talk about. And not all of the woe will relate to Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party. Some of it will come from anti-immigrant politicians in Europe.

At home, Momentum will gather some, banning Jewish Labour candidates (on account of them being foreign agents), adopting Hamas as a Labour affiliate (on account of its ‘values-driven’ charter) and re-branding anti-Zionism as a ‘much maligned, much misunderstood force for good’.

To the right, a new crop of neo-fascist foul-mouths will coalesce in shaven-headed euphoria after election victories for anti-immigrant parties in France (Front National) and Germany (Alternative for Germany).

They will mainly target Muslims, but occasional Jews will be abused with illiterate online offerings ‘just to spice things up’. In London, safety-conscious Jews will pilot a security feature called ‘moats’. These will be introduced around shuls, schools and other communal institutions and will involve any building within 50 metres of a Jewish perimeter fence being razed to the ground to let security guards in watch-towers identify attackers. The government will pay.

Finally, it will be a good year for Jews in entertainment, with rapper Honey G winning X-Factor, Judge Rinder winning Strictly and the guy from Carmelli’s replacing Paul Hollywood on Bake-Off. But there will be sadness, too, as Stacey Solomon gets bitten on the bottom by a giant bottom-biting spider while hosting a spin-off show for I’m a Celebrity. “Get me out of here,” she’ll be heard screaming, as the hairy dangler sank its fangs in.