Welcome to Rosengard’s not so average week in May
Another impossibly irreverent seven days in the life of your not-so-average life insurance salesman
Monday 7:23am
I zoom on my Vespa down Edgware Road. I’m about 200 yards from Marble Arch when a young guy on a Lime bike comes fast down the middle of the road; on MY side of the road; the wrong side- and is heading at speed straight at me . I decide not to kill him and at the last second swerve left -missing him by inches.
“I’m terribly sorry old chap!” I shout, “but I do believe you’re on the wrong side of the road.”
Or words to that effect. Trust me on this.
Cyclists in London have been going through red lights for years – and recently they’ve even started going the wrong way up one way streets; but this was a first for me – on the wrong side of one of London’s busiest main roads!
6:20pm
Back home I find a letter in the letterbox – not the usual from HMRC or Thames Water – but from the Metropolitan Police.
(When did you last get a handwritten letter from anyone?)
“A Notice of Intended Prosecution” for doing 54 mph on my Vespa three days earlier on the A12 Eastway Hackney Wick E9″
It gives my Vespa registration number – and says “this allegation can be supported by credible evidence in court.
I reply by email:
Dear Metropolitan Police
I have no recollection whatsoever of being on the A12 Eastway Hackney Wick E9 3 days ago -or indeed at any time in the last 50 years! Whoever it was on the Vespa – it wasn’t me!
Please double check as it is clearly a case of mistaken identity!
Tuesday 1:30pm
I’m at a Jewish charity lunch in the West End.
“I changed my name from Rose to Rosengard in my early 30s,” I tell the man sitting next to me.
“You mean you were Rosengard and you’re now Rose,” he said.
“No – I was Rose, and I’m now Rosengard!”
“Why would you do that!?” he asked.
“I wanted to sound more Jewish.” I reply.
Wednesday 8:45 pm
I go to the cinema.
Do you have any idea how many popcorns are in a box of popcorn?
I’m at the Everyman on Baker Street to see the movie Black Bag. I haven’t had popcorn since I was 10 years old.
“Do you want sweet or salted?” the young guy behind the counter asks.
Decisions, decisions!
“Please, just mix it up,” I say.
As I sat down in the cinema I knock the box over the woman next to me. So, do have you have any idea how many popcorns are in a big box of popcorn !?
Thursday 6pm
At home.
After 20 WhatsApp messages back and forth to my friend Patrick, I ask: “Why are we WhatsApping? I remember the days when people called friends on the phone and chatted. Do you?”
He WhatsApps back: “I’m multi-tasking. I’m also making supper and replying to emails.”
I reply: “But we never talk on the phone! Is that normal? Is this how friendship works these days? Whatsapps? Texts? Is that all there is! Do you remember that thing? That phone called the landline!?”
No reply.
I spend the next 20 minutes looking for my landline phone.
Finally, I find it inside Xerxes (the cat’s) litter box. I haven’t used it for years but has he? Who has he been calling?
I pick it up; no dialing tone and a recorded voice says “you have been disconnected.”
I’ve been disconnected? I never knew that! By who? I want it reconnected! And I want it reconnected now!
It’s the story of my life. When I had it I didn’t want it; when it was gone, I had to have it back !
Friday 10:30am
At my local newsagents.
“How many Jews do you think live in the UK ?” I ask Mohammed the manager.
He thought for a moment: “30 million?”
“Really? 30 million? That’s er, quite a lot Mohammed. That would be almost half the entire UK population.”
“Ok. Maybe 25 million. How many are there?’” he asked.
“265,000”, I said.
He almost fell down.
Friday 11am
I grab a coffee at Gails
A father walks in with his little girl on his shoulders. It brings back memories of “shoulders daddy! shoulders!” My little daughter Lily always shouted this and I’d scoop her up onto my shoulders. We went everywhere like that.
I tried it again last week. I couldn’t even lift her six inches off the ground! “What are you doing Dad!? I’m 29 !! Put me down! Stop it!
6pm
Back home, I find a letter in the letterbox.
“Dear Mr. Rosengard, the officer has got back to me. He put in the wrong vehicle registration number on his report in error. May I apologise on behalf of the officer, myself and the Metropolitan Police. I have cancelled the notice concerning this matter and again my apologies for this inconvenience and worry.
Kindest regards, on behalf of the Commissioner of Police”.
So rare, I’m framing it and putting it up for auction at Sotheby’s .
- Peter Rosengard, life insurance salesman and Comedy Store founder.
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