New book helps teens overcome mental health struggles
Psychotherapist and JTeen Ceo shares an extract from Mastering Your Mind
After years of working directly with teens and analysing data from our support line at JTeen, I wanted to write a book which offers a fresh perspective on adolescent mental health. I believe that prevention is key, stopping challenges before they become crises, by employing cognitive-behavioural techniques to help reframe negative thoughts, manage emotions, and develop healthy coping strategies.
The book looks at friendships, managing stress, coping with life challenges, and building resilience. The extract below focuses on friendship.
HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
Eight tips for making good friends
1. Be YOU
It is so easy to go wrong on this one. So many teens try so hard, too hard, to make friends and yet complain to me that it doesn’t work. They try to impress, show off , look cool, crack jokes, and ‘talk big.’ Although this might bring them some popularity in the short-term, it’s not going to create real friendships in the long-run. It sounds simple, but the best way to make friends is just by being genuine. Ditch the show. Be yourself.
2. Be loyal and trustworthy
If you are loyal and trustworthy, you have the rare qualities that will attract friendships. Loyalty means supporting someone even in difficult situations. It means being honest and caring, no matt er what. Trustworthy means keeping what is said to you private and not gossiping behind your friend’s back.
“I wish from the bottom of my heart that some classmates at school would want to be friends with me. But they aren’t. I always notice the other girls talking and laughing, but as soon as I try to join in, they all go quiet. I feel so alone. So unwanted. At the beginning of this school year, I tried really hard to be nice to everyone. I brought in lots of snacks each day, but it didn’t help. I have realised that the people in my class are just too different from me. When a new person joined our class recently, lots of girls welcomed her and befriended her. But when it comes to me, nobody is interested. Each day during the break I sit off to the side, bored and lonely. Inside I am so pained, and the worst thing is coming to school each morning, knowing I must face it all over again.” RF (age 13)
3. Be open-minded
It is human nature to judge people based on initial impressions and decide if ‘they are my type or not.’ There are times when our first impressions may be correct, but we still need to keep an open mind. One of my closest friends is someone who couldn’t be more different from me. We somehow ended up being roommates and I initially thought that we would have nothing in common. However, the more I spoke to him, the more I realized we were actually similar in so many ways. The more we are willing to give people a chance, to delay our rash judgments, the greater the possibility of making friends — real friends.
4. Be patient
You cannot force friendships, nor can you buy them with money or snacks. Friendships have to be natural, and they can take a while to develop. You don’t need to launch into DMCs (deep meaningful conversations) the first time you meet someone in a bid to become friends. Take the time to get to know the person. Like wine, a good friendship takes time to mature. Remember that different people will also have different qualities, which will take time for you to discover and appreciate.
5. Avoid being exclusive
If possible, it’s always better to have a wider social circle. Have several friends with different personalities and interests rather than just one overly intense friendship.
“I can’t help it. As soon as I am around my friends, all I feel is my stomach churning and my face going red. I don’t talk normally, and I constantly worry about whether I’m saying something stupid. I also panic if there are any silences in the conversation. I’m fine with my parents and siblings. It’s with everyone else that I become so nervous. I know it’s not the right thing to say, but the truth is, I feel calmer and less anxious when I’m away from friends.”AG (age 17)
6. Look after yourself
If there’s a certain activity that you don’t want to do, or you feel that you need some ‘me time’, then be ready to put yourself first. That sometimes means saying “no,” even if it disappoints someone else. A good friend is one who cares and supports you, but it doesn’t mean you are meant to be their ‘therapist’ and be fully responsible for their emotional health. They might expect it, but you can quickly feel drained and stressed if you allow someone to become dependent on you.
7. It’s okay if you argue
Even the closest of friends are going to have disagreements at times. With good friends, an argument should not mean the end of the friendship, rather you will both know how to step back, cool off , and make amends by working things out.
8. Just do it
Too often, we assume we know what other people are thinking about us. We presume they do not want to be our friends, so we play it safe and wait for others to make that initial friendly move. This is a poor strategy for making friends. They might be thinking the same and waiting for you to make the first move. It’s up to you to summon the courage and approach potential friends. Don’t wait. Be bold. Take the risk and speak up. The worst that could happen is the person you approach is not interested in being your friend. Yet alternatively, the best that can happen is that this person will become your new friend. It’s a risk worth taking!
Mastering Your Mind – 10 Life Hacks for Teen Happiness & Success is available on Amazon and at Jewish bookshops, priced at £20.
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