OPINION: Are we protecting our children too much from Israel’s ongoing war with Hamas?
'Things kept in the dark often cast a greater shadow for children, for everyone, than those things examined clearly in the light', writes Naomi Lerer, chief executive of Noa Girls, for Jewish News
In all the heartbreak and horror of the events in Israel since 7 October, and with the sharp rise of anti-Semitism in our own streets and around the world, it is hard to give space to other thoughts, other concerns. But as we try to come to terms with a changed world and the constant uncertainty around the next few days and weeks, questions have started to arise about how we process and follow developing events.
These concerns are for our own mental health and state of mind but, as parents, primarily for our children and adolescents whose emotional resilience seems to be needed more than ever.
As with all parenting, the decision of how much to share about current events, for example about the hostages taken or the anti-Semitism nearby, will be a personal one. It’s a balance, weighing up various factors and circumstances including age and personalities of children, their wider environment and our own personal values and educational styles.
When making our decision it is worth bearing in mind that our children often know and sense a lot more than we think they do. Regardless of how sheltered we try to make our homes, and whatever controls we may have on their phones, social media etc, living today in the news orientated and super connected world it is nearly impossible that they do not encounter information from many other sources that we would have preferred they not see or read.
Even our younger children sense atmosphere, what we are not saying, our moods and fears. When not given a voice, these can morph into unhelpful anxiety without direction or outlet. When we don’t discuss events with our children, we can lose out on the opportunity to provide a framework to respond to tragedy and to fears, one that reflects our values and worldview.
Discussing events, in an age appropriate, safe and calm way can go a long way to opening up a healthy conversation about how to cope with, manage and allay scary situations. Talking about measures we can take, both physical and spiritual, for example additional security behaviours or prayer or positive charitable actions can give a child a way through.
We know that things kept in the dark often cast a greater shadow for children, for everyone, than those things examined clearly in the light. Anxiety is often dispelled by demystifying and breaking down fears in a concrete way.
A note of caution, whilst anxiety and fear are a natural response and survival instinct against threat, when anxiety overwhelms, when it grows without boundary or proportion it can paralyze and weaken us. Constant discussion cycling around the same fears and threats can be very unhelpful and in itself reawaken further anxiety and harmful responses. The key is to channel conversation towards constructive and positive discussions. It is also helpful to sometimes provide a specific timeframe for them do that they don’t overtake life.
This generation’s emotional resilience is said to be at an all-time low. Our job as educators, as parents is to build that resilience, to create pathways of recognising, processing and dealing with painful or confusing situations, of disappointment and devastation.
The challenge is that we have become snowplough parents, clearing away any small challenge or obstacle away from our children’s path before they can stumble on it, or even know it is there. We are scared for them to experience any pain or discomfort. The issue is that instead of helping our children, it can be disempowering and harmful. Our children will at some point have to face pain and difficulty, we all do. When we shield our children from every hurt, every chance of failure or pain, we rob them of the gift of independent strength, of self-confidence in the face of adversity, of emotional stability. This is vital for raising successful adults. By rushing in to save them, we are broadcasting to them that we do not believe they are capable of overcoming or meeting the challenges life throws at them.
The Jewish people are hurting at this moment. This is our collective reality. By talking to our children about the ongoing situation we are telling them we believe they can manage, that they have the emotional resilience inside themselves to move forward successfully. When we guide them to harness their feelings towards positive action, whether that is raising money in support of Israel, attending or organising solidarity events, by praying or encouraging others, we empower them to know that even when there are events we have no control over, there is always something we can do. Then our children won’t just survive this period, but they will emerge seeing themselves as people who contribute, who build, who in the face of chaos or evil are not powerless.
Now more than ever, our children need that inner strength. Certainly, information and discussions about any subject need to be age appropriate and carefully thought through. But when evaluating what to share and what to conceal, we need to be aware of whether we are doing this as protection for our children or to prevent our own short-term discomfort at the cost of their long-term growth.
- Naomi Lerer, child and adolescent psychotherapist and chief executive of Noa Girls, a charity providing mental health support to 12-24 year-old Jewish girls from London’s orthodox community.
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